The Artless Dodger

Jack Dawkins, better known as the Artful Dodger, is a character in the Charles Dickens novel Oliver Twist. Dodger is a pickpocket, so called for his skill and cunning in that respect. He is the leader of the gang of child criminals, trained by the elderly Fagin.

The Artful Dodger is characterized as a child who acts like an adult.

Today the world has The Artless Dodger, a child who acts like an adult but, unlike the Artful Dodger, is completely lacking in skill and cunning.

Donald Trump: pointing the way toward … more of the same, actually. Photograph: Timothy A Clary/AFP/Getty Images

Trump changes hotel brand name

Donald Trump says he’s smart, a billionaire and, like most billionaires, he probably watches his pennies pretty close and therefor would choose to spend as little money as possible to update his hotel brand name.

The solution? Just remove one letter from the brand name!

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Spitting Image

Spitting Image is a British satirical puppet show, created by Peter Fluck, Roger Law and Martin Lambie-Nairn. The series was produced by ‘Spitting Image Productions’ for Central Independent Television over 18 series which aired on the ITV network. The series was nominated and won numerous awards during its run including 10 BAFTA Television Awards, including one for editing in 1989, and even won two Emmy Awards in 1985 and 1986 in the Popular Arts Category.

The series featured puppet caricatures of celebrities prominent during the 1980s and 1990s, including British Prime Ministers Margaret Thatcher and John Major and other politicians, American president Ronald Reagan, and the British Royal Family; the series was the first to caricature Queen Elizabeth The Queen Mother.

The series was cancelled in 1996, after viewing figures declined. ITV had plans for a new series in 2006, but these were scrapped after a dispute over Ant & Dec puppets used to host the reviews “Best Ever Spitting Image”, which were created against Roger Law’s wishes.

(Source Wikipedia… https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spitting_Image )

When I was writing/performing puppet shows I used to watch the series on local TV. I hope you enjoy this video and all the others available on youtube.

A bed near the window

A bed by a window

A bed by a window

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”

“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to
the person to empty the bathtub.”

“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger

than the spoon or the teacup.”


“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”

How I learned to mind my own business

I was walking past the local mental hospital the other day.
All the patients were shouting 13…, 13….13… 13

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks so I took a look to see what’s going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they started shouting 14…. 14…. 14… 14.

Apple fixes price error on humor ebook. Previous price not funny.

It took about one month from the first time Apple was notified of their price mistake for my latest ebook “Buy This Book. Make Me A Millionaire” and reduced it from $1.99 to its correct and original price of $0.99.

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I’m proud Apple thought my latest creation was worth much more than I priced it at, but a deal is a deal. As I’m offering the ebook everywhere else for 0.99 I shouldn’t take advantage of Apple’s thoughtful price adjustment, no matter how highly they regard my latest artistic production.

Description of my latest masterpiece:

A perfect gift for someone who has everything, and for those who want absolutely nothing.

What’s inside the book? 23 pages of “Nothing Here But My Thanks”, and now and then an image of a kiss or something similar, images of an animal or animals, some pithy words under the pictures, and some other stuff.

I think the words under the pictures are pithy, but you may think otherwise.

To be completely honest, for it is your money and not mine, (well, not mine until you buy this ebook and then a smidgeon of your money becomes mine, but that is beside the point) inside are pictures of dogs and other animals, which every advertiser will tell you is necessary for bonding the viewer to your product or service.

Bound to become one of the greatest literary works of humor, “Buy This Book. Make Me A Millionaire” is available in ebook format at all fine retailers, even Amazon, which sold a copy within the first couple of hours of it being published.

Also available in PDF format from Smashwords.

Another article on this ebook is here.

List of analogies for use by ebook authors

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

Even in his last years, grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. (Sandra Hull, Arlington)

The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of “Jeopardy!” (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

He regarded death with hesitant dread, as if he were a commedia dell’arte troupe and death was an audience of pipe-fitters. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Now, back to the gloriously bad analogies.

Sixth Runner-Up: The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

Fifth Runner-Up: “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. (Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg)

Fourth Runner-Up: He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. (John Kammer, Herndon)

Third-Runner-Up: Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

Second Runner-Up: She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

First Runner-Up: It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. (Marian Carlsson, Lexington, Va.)

And the winner of the Smorked Beef Rectum: The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. (J.F. Knowles, Springfield)

More of these from a 1999 article on the Washington Post here.

Washington Post archive of “The Style Invitational” collections.

Now you can rent a mourner for when you die

funeral

Everyone knows how Facebook, Twitter and other social media sites are used mainly to boost the ego of the participants, and many of those participants probably have their obit already planned for posting when they die, but why settle for an artificial ego boost like social media when you can hire actual humans to be your eternal rest boosters?

Ian Robertson, founder of Rent-a-Mourner — I’m not making this up — told London’s Daily Telegraph that his Essex, England company charges 45 pounds (about $70) an hour per black-clad-guest. There’s no requirement to blub, as the Brits say, but this is the telling bit: the faux friends are expected to bone up on the history of the corpse and be able to talk to real friends and relatives as if they had known the dearly departed.

It’s the ideal tribute to the sort of people who, in life, bought Twitter followers, posted their photos on HotOrNot.com, or paid bloggers to declare them AWESOME!!!

Yes, nothing says dignified like paying people to show-up at your funeral and pretend they knew you when.

Read the full article on The Tyee here.

Buy This Book. Make Me A Millionaire

Buy This Book Make Me A Millionaire is the perfect gift for someone who has everything, and for those who want absolutely nothing.

Although the cover indicates there is nothing worthwhile inside this ebook there are some readers who will purchase this ebook and feel it is the best darn money they ever spent. I know I will.

What’s inside the book? 23 pages of “Nothing Here But My Thanks”, and now and then an image of a kiss or something similar, images of an animal or animals, some pithy words under the pictures, and some other stuff.

I think the words under the pictures are pithy but you may think otherwise.

To be completely honest, for it is your money and not mine, (well, not mine until you buy this ebook and then a smidgeon of your money becomes mine, but that is beside the point) inside are pictures of dogs and other animals, which every advertiser will tell you is necessary for bonding the viewer to your product or service.

So let’s bond. You buy, I’ll accept your offer to bond and throw in some animal pictures plus some words you’ve probably never before seen beneath a picture.

Tell your friends and family to buy this ebook right now because when I become a millionaire from earning just pennies from each sale of this ebook I’m going to stop publishing it.

Why is that such a great benefit to you and your friends? When I stop publishing this ebook it will instantly become a collectors item, a golden goose for you and your friends to hand down from generation to generation. So don’t wait, start protecting the future happiness of your great grandchildren right now and buy this ebook.

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Available at Smashwords here for the unbelievably low price of US99 cents. Also on Amazon at this link andat Barnes & Noble, Apple, Kobo, and other fine online retailers.

Purchase the PDF version of this ebook direct from author at this link.